• Dennis McAllister

  i started drinking as a kid. i remember sharing a beer wiht my dad when i was 5. from then my parents thought it was cute when i'd drink. we'd go to parties and i'd get rip roaring drunk and the other adults would be so worried, but my parents thought it was ok. i had hangovers before the age of 10. then i discovered my dad's drug stash. he had weed and coke. i couldnt roll very well but the coke was easy and i loved it!!!!!!!! i was 11 yrs old im pretty sure. funny thing is he couldnt confront me on his missing drugs because that would bring him into the light. - he was screwed either way. then i confessed to my mom one nite when i was blasted and she flipped the fuck out on him!!!!! shortly after that i stole the car, along with my dog and ran away. i got stopped by the cops on the highway and that next day i was in a mental hospital. i could write a book. i drank, smoked and snorted up as much as i possibly could get a hold of for years after that. then i met Zoe's father. he was into herion. i wanted to spend more time with him so i started shooting heroin too. i got hooked on heroin, coke and speed. then i realized i was pregnant - i had been homeless - terrible things had happened to me while living in the streets in Los Angeles and San Francisco. i dont know how i got out of there alive. my mom took me back in - i had ran away after high school and when i realized i was pregnant i wanted to come back to her so badly. i straighted my ass out!!! but a few years later i was back to drinking again. i wanted weed so bad because it helped me relax - calm down - nobody had weed but there was tons of crack. i didnt want crack....but i eventually gave in again. that was the beginnig of my demise. at age 28 i had a mild stroke and that was it for me. i still drank some afterward but changed everything else. i still smoked weed back then- i dont think weed is bad. alcohol and other drugs are horrible though in my opinion. when my mom died i started shooting coke again - then went through serious withdrawls - serious. i stopped. i could no longer put Zoe in jeaprody. so if it's not substance then its self injury - which is the same thing to me. bashing my head in and giving myself concussions changes my consciousness - which is what substances do. so i feel like ive had an addiction to self harm. so in a nutshell, Dennis is right. i am an alcoholic, i am an addict. there is so much more that i could tell you but it would take up major room on here. i dont tell people about these things - but some select people i dont mind sharing my past with. you are one of them. -------- continue with the biplolar issue.
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  5:19pm

  Dennis McAllister

  Zoe is not bipolar. she has issues with depression and anxiety - but it's not a chemical issue - meaning chemical imbalance. her issues stem from deep sadness in life. she is able to pull herself out of it. her father Darius is majorly bipolar and has severe dyslexia - but is terribly, terribly smart!!!!!! too smart!!!!!! he ran away from home at 14 because his step father wouldnt stop beating him and his mother was hooked on coke. lived on the streets since. im telling you about him because bipolar is genetic. it runs in my family too on my father's side. i am also dyslexic. Zoe is not dyslexic at all!!!!! she got seriously lucky! pure luck. i think that if Darius and i had had another child together the odds would have caught up!!! he was truly a sweet guy, but a terrible alcoholic and drug addict. violent. it was all he knew and i dont hold any of it against him. there will always be a place of love for him in my heart because he gave me my baby girl. he is paralyzed from a drunk driving accident shortly after zoe was born. he is a sad story. Zoe had a lot of healing to do because of not having any father. it was a real missing piece for her. luckily she is a fighter - she is so strong. so determined to get what she wants out of life. she is an amazing young woman. she no longer takes any psych meds and is doing really great. i am so proud of her.
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  5:53pm

  Dennis McAllister

  i was diagnosed with bipolar at age 12. i was put on Lithium and Prozac, that made me so sick. my entire teens were filled with horribly heavy psych drugs- all kinds - so many hospitalizations. CPS visits, threats of foster care and my parents just plain giving up on me. i was left at a hospital one time by mom my mom and she told them to just keep me. she didnt know what else to do and all the advice that the parent groups they went to enforced "tough love". i was sick of tough love - what i wanted was just a really good serious hard core cuddle!!!!! my parents would make me watch movies with women being raped - their goal was for me to watch them and then feel better. very twisted. it only made it worse for them to come from the perspective of "look how much worse it could have been for you". they had no fucking clue the horrors that my grandfather did to me. how much i screamed and would beg for help when it was going on. and then to come back down the stairs and see my grandma (father's mother) in the kitchen giving me a stern look of "better keep your mouth shut" i was threatened - my grandfater would tell me he'd kill my mother if i told. i told anyway - i showed all my injuries to my parents but nobody believed me. how else could i get such injuries to my vaginal area and rectum? seriously - i dont get it. i felt unloved and totally not believed. he was a police officer - they are al such good people, right?

  so anyway the bipolar issue is this - it is inherited - abuse can cause it to "switch on" if you are predisposed. but many people have never been abused and still have it. having tools to work with yourself are essential for this illness!!!!!! but it doesn't solve the problem. there is no "fix". it's like diabetes, you can work on it, take meds and have improvement, but it is always there and even the healthiest people with diabetes can easily end up in the hospital near death. same with bipolar. people think you can snap out of it. you cant. it comes in waves. mania is not happy joy - it is anxiety, rage, extreme behavior, it feels liek your brain is on fire - literally. feels like napalm running through your veins!!! you cannot shut up! you drive people insane with the intense energy. then there is the depression, there is just no way out. no way to climb out of that hole. now see, the thing is that these things can just come in waves by themselves, but they can also be triggered. like a fight, being in a situation, something someone says - everyone's triggers are different. i personally find that i am triggered into depression more. the mania is something that creeps up by itself. the mania for me brings about psychosis. it's terrifying!!!!! reality completely changes. i hallucinate, fear for my life, hear other people's thoughts, get messages through the TV - there is so much. that's when i'd usually end up in the hospital. last time i was hospitalized was in december 2010 i believe. it was horrible. it doesnt help. then there is extreme stigma too. i will hear people joke - oh im bipolar today, or i must be manic. i get the joke, but they dont get the severity of the reality of it. it's become "the joke" but nobody wants to deal with a bipolar person - i dont blame them. ive had a few friends who are - we are not friends anymore. it's very difficult to deal with soemone who has this illness. we are hard to love - i'll admit it fully!!!!!! my mainia is very well under control. sometimes i get - what is called hypomanic - which is mild mania - and Dennis usually points this out to me. then i use tools to try and work on it. sometimes it needs more medication. Klonipin helps with that and the anxiety. the depression is hard, really hard. it drains everyone. i become suicidal very easily. but i have been doing so well during my pregnancy. i am really very worried about after Robbie is born. i want to be mentally healthy. but with the hormonal changes - it can seriously screw a person up bad. this is how women end up in the news because of doing horrible things with their children. i dont see this happening, but i'd rather be totally doped up on meds than take any chances of psychosis. you can justify any action in the world when you are psychotic. that is just the thing, people think it's mostly about mood swings - but very few people realize that psychosis is a huge part of the illness. it's very scary!!!! i didnt address the writing, burning then releasing issue really.....i talked myslef out of it. but see, i cant do that, it's a must!!!!!

  well that is a lot to real....lol. i need to make dinner. Dennis is watching the game and dropping dinner hints....hahah. he urges me to cook then gets up and involves himself because he loves to be in the kitchen. we reallly enjoy cooking together. it's fun. so i'll be back in a bit.

Seen 5:53pm